Laura Tsang, MS, LMFT

The Effects of Children, Dual Earner Status, Sex Role Traditionalism, and Marital Structure on Marital Happiness Over Time.  Journal of Family and Economic Issues, Spring 2003, Volume 24, Issue 1.

To read this article, please visit Journal of Family and Economic Issues, or see the PDF here (Adobe Acrobat Reader required).

Healing from Break Ups (September, 2010)

"I don't know him (or her) anymore..." or "I don't recognize him anymore", or "he is not the same person anymore, or "I never saw this coming".  Have you ever articulated of these comments as you were talking about your ex-husband, wife or partner?  I hear these comments often in my practice.  

Forgiveness (August, 2010)

Many clients grew up from an abusive home for years, emotional sexual, physical or neglect.  Many of these stories are heartbreaking and disturbing.  What I notice the most is deep down in each of these clients, they love their parents very much.  It is so difficult for them to get themselves out of the role as victim.    Feeling unwanted and unloved are so powerful in their lives.  Such feelings hold them back from building any healthy relationships with their parents or with any individual in their lives.  They often have difficulty in developing trust in other relationships.  They may talk about their abusive experiences from time to time.  When they talk about it, some of them may sound like just happen yesterday.  Some of them may move forward a bit but can easily see the strong despaired on their faces.  They may show sadness, anger, guilt, blame, betray, love, and many kinds of mix emotions.  These clients want to find some explanations and reasons about why their parents behaved in such way.  Some of them may want to find reasons to explain their own current behaviors in their adult life.   They seem to be trapped in the” feeling of betrayal and unfair”.  However, they may not aware of what they can do to move forward from where they are at.  They may spend the most energy in feeling “stuck” for years in dealing with all the mix emotions between hate and love.  Many of them may focus on “why did it happen to me?”

A few days ago, one of my clients talked about her relationship with her mother.  Once she started talking about her mother, tears came down on her face.  Her eyes were full of pain, joy and love.  She described how beautiful her mother was and how much she loved and missed her.  She also talked about the abuse which started when she was seven years old until she left home at the age eighteen.  She talked about how she took care of her mother after school.  Her mother had terminal sickness and all the struggles they both went through.  I could see so much pain and guilt in her eyes.  I also saw how much love she had for her mother.  Client also recalled when she was breastfeeding her new born baby years ago.  She connected her feeling with her mother breastfed her when she was a baby.  She felt loved and safe.  Although she had years of severe abuse by her own mother,  she chose to forgive instead of focusing on the blame, hate, and anger.  Once forgiveness activated, she can start feeling love again in the relationship.  She set herself free.  She told me it was the first time she told someone about her story.  She felt peace and smile before leaving the session.

She amazed me with her courage to talk about the love and hate relationship.  Her story reassured me that “love” is still the most powerful element in relationship.  The purpose of hatefulness is to defend ourselves when we feel hurt. Where does hurt come from?  It is developed by betrayal and disappointment from our expectations.   How can we overcome from it and start the healing process?  Forgiveness is a choice. In reality, many of us hold on to anger and blame in order to protect ourselves from being hurt again.  Some of us choose to be a victim at some level.  Being a victim is a way to define the meaning of a relationship even if it is not a positive and healthy one.  Do we want to keep feeling defeated, sad, and angry?  Are we willing to let go of the past and choose to move forward?  Are we ready to move forward to be a happier person?  What do you value in your relationship?  Are we ready to forgive?

Loneliness (June, 2010)

Andy and his wife came to see me yesterday.  I heard their laughter as I was on my way to the lobby.  They were chatting with my front desk staff cheerfully.  Andy, is in his mid fifties. Our first meeting was in late December, 2009.  He was feeling so angry and negative about his job, his relationships with his mother and brother, and his current home situation after his relocation from New York to Seattle two years ago,.  He missed his life in New York.  He had lost his confidence and was fearful about everything after the relocation. He felt lonely and miserable.  All he had was his wife and he was afraid that if he kept feeling depressed, he was going to lose her too. 

Andy has been consistently coming to counseling over the past four months.  Every time he sees me, he shows his appreciations and gratitude.  I often feel enlighten by his kindness.  Sometimes I ask him.  “How could people don’t like you Andy?” He gives me a big smile.  

Andy is struggling with his job situation.  He describes his co-workers as unsupportive, and the job environment as hostile.  He has given up being an optimistic and positive person. 

Seattle is one of the most desirable cities in the United States.  We have an abundance of beauty in the State of Washington.  There are many people who move from different parts of the country to Seattle for work.  Many of us move away from our hometown.  Unfortunately, some people have a difficult time adjusting to their new home.  Andy’s case is very typical.   He had lived most of his life in New York, with his friends, family, and work.  Once he made the decision to move to Seattle, he experienced many changes. What was certain in his life, was his job and relationship security. These security blankets disappeared after the relocation.   Andy felt lonely.  He felt all his securities were gone.  He lost his passion for his work and his motivation to establish new working and personal relationships.  Although he was around people in his work, he did not feel connected.  He felt disconnected.   There was no hope for Andy, until the day he decided he wanted his life to change.  He realized he did not like being depressed and negative. anymore.  He sought help. 

A few months later, his circumstances were still the same.  There are not many changes in his reality.  However, Andy looks much happier.  His wife is one of the major supports in his life.  She has been showing him that no matter what, they can deal with a positive frame of mind.  Andy is often reminded that he does have “a choice”.  He can choose to be alone and enjoy his time but he does not have to feel lonely.   Andy is also being reminded to smile more often, even though there are times when he does not want to.  Once he made his choice to smile more often, he realized people responded to him more positively.  His confidence has improved since then.  He has gained satisfaction by connecting with others positively.  Now, he realizes he has the ability to choose to be, or not to be depressed.  He feels his life is much more manageable.  He is not being driven by his negative emotions as easily.  We all need to feel connected with someone.  Andy feels connected with me and his wife.  He needs to feel accepted and validated.  What Andy is looking for seems to be very basic.  However, there are many people in this beautiful city that are looking for someone to feel connected to emotionally.  Andy is one of the fortunate people who has a very loving and supportive wife to stand by him.  He is also able to recognize being angry and negative is not what he wants in his life.  He decided to seek help and turn his life around.  Andy is the one who made the most effort in helping himself.  

What Can I Do for You? (May, 2010)

A few days ago I met with a client in his mid twenties. About a year ago he remarried.  He was sad and uncertain about his current marriage.  I asked him if he ever felt loved by anyone.  He reported that he did not know what it was like to be loved.  This young man grew up in an abusive family. He had been abused physically as well as emotionally.   His biological mother died when he was less than five years old.  He hardly remembered her. He lived with his father, who was full of anger, and his abusive step mother. Years later he was sent to Child Protective Services.

I have seen clients with similar issues.  Many of them do not know what it is like to be loved by someone or conversely how to love someone.  There are two fundamental questions that need to be asked.  “What is it like to be loved by someone and how do I love someone?”  These two questions seem to be abstract and not easy to understand in a logical sense.  However, once I asked this young man, if he recalled how it felt like to be loved by his Heavenly Father, I saw a very genuine smile on his face.  His smile answered my question. 

Feeling loved and knowing we are being loved can be challenging.  Many of us may focus on what our spouse or partner can do for us to show us love.  Many of my clients complain about their disappointments in their marriages. Some typical complains are:  unable to communicate well with one another, not being able to trust one another, and feeling lonesome in the marriage.  These complaints could last for months or even years before these couples seek help.  What holds them together regardless of all the dramas in their lives? When I ask them again and again, they often give me a typical answer,  “ I still love him / her I think”.  They are confused. 

We all want to feel loved in our relationships.  It is a wonderful feeling with full acceptance by another person.  Feeling special, intimate, and cared for in such relationships is the ultimate goal.  Many couples have warm and deep feelings in the beginning of their love affairs.  Believe it or not, these powerful feelings can hold the couples together for years.  Can our marriage survive based only on these feelings?  Without action to support and nurture our marriage, feeling loved will fade over time.   On the other hand, many of us could still hold on to that powerful feeling which was established years ago. Conflicts arise due to the difference between feeling and action.  

This is very much like our Christian life.  Once we accept Jesus in our lives our hearts are opened and we allow God’s love to fill us up.   It is such amazing experience.  Over time if we continue to nurture our relationship with our Heavenly Father, we start developing our trust and faith in Him.  We have learned to communicate with Him.  We learn to please Him.  We learn to enjoy His presence.  The crucial point here is our Heavenly Father reaches out to us first.  He has been patiently waiting for us to respond.

Many couples keep asking what their partners or spouse can give them.  How many of them ask, "What Can I Do for You"? Jesus often asks us, “What Can I Do for You?”  This is unconditional love that He shows us with feelings and actions.   

"What Can I Do for my Spouse or Partner?”  Do we keep holding onto the feelings without applying actions to nurture our love with our spouse or partner and our Heavenly Father?

I was in the lobby watching young girls, (from three to six years old), in their ballet outfits, running and laughing. While waiting for classes to begin.  They were excited to see one another.  When the music started, they all rushed into their classrooms.  They listened to the music and practiced their dance. 

Sometimes I ask myself, "can life be just that simple?" The older I get, the more I feel a simple life is precious. I can enjoy having a cup of coffee with my friend at a local coffee shop, listening to my favorite music, receiving an email from my best friend, or chatting with a neighbor about gardening.  Can we have more of these ordinary days?  Why does life have to be so busy and complicated?  Because of our busy schedules, many of us have stopped initiating contact with our loved ones, we complain about being lonely, busy, and disconnected.  Why are we only complaining about it and not doing much about it? Are we waiting for someone to invite us for coffee, lunch, or dinner?  Are we unable  to reach out and simply give our friend a call or email or text just to say hi, how are you doing?  What makes it so difficult?  Have we thought about how a simple message can light up someone’s life? 

We all want to be loved and cared for. A simple connection would put a smile on someone’s face.  When was the last time you contacted your best friend?  When was the last time you sincerely said hi, how are you doing or left a caring note for your loved one?